Thursday, September 7

Withered


I am stretched thin as a desiccated jellyfish on the wind-scoured stones. Brittle. Sere.

"Have a lovely day" said the male ex partner as the female ex partner left the house. The words are jarring. The first such sentiment in seven years. And they are her words. The words she said, every day, to the sons and partner, words without acknowledgement or return. One single phrase.

"You're very strong. A great survivor" the father said, complacently, over lunch. "Think of the children" he said. "It's not as though he's beating you" he said.

"I think", the daughter said, "given your own record on marriage and what that did to your child you're not in a strong position to give advice." It was cruel. But true. He cried. A tear rolled from the corner of his eye. The daughter looked at it. Watched him wipe it away. One single tear.

Even all the salt water of a spring tide is not enough to reanimate the dry film of the past.

7 Comments:

Blogger Jean said...

Oh. Your honesty is searing, hard to hear, but I'm sure right and necessary. Hold on to the way you felt on holiday. What is there inside when you get away to a quiet space is incredibly significant. Lots of love.

9:49 am  
Blogger tournesol said...

I've just realised that this post should really be called "resentment and self-pity". Because what I'm actually pissed off about is the resentment coming my way for saying "too little too late" instead of being grateful for the efforts at reparation. And the self-pity about the pain this is causing. And what am I? resentful and self-pitying.

Sigh.

10:29 am  
Blogger Lorianne said...

Oh, sweetie. "Resentful & self-pitying" is the human condition. If I were there or you here, I'd give you a hug to welcome you to The Human Club.

And yes, "searing" is the right word for it: Jean's on-target. "Searing" is painful, but it also cauterizes: a heat that can heal.

11:32 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

(o)

Thinking of you.

12:09 pm  
Blogger Dale said...

(o)

I too. (The above isn't me, by the way.)

Resentment and self-pity? I suppose, yes, partly. But those shade into clarity and compassion -- clarity about the past, compassion for yourself. And though I too am in the midst of discovering huge wells of resentment and self-pity in myself, and am suitably dismayed by it, I am completely convinced now that "there's no way out but through" -- concealing them isn't the same as making them go away. On the contrary, it's a way of nurturing and cultivating them.

What you're saying here doesn't look to me like indulging resentment and self-pity. It looks like letting go of them.

I admire you as much as anyone I have ever known. By the way.

2:08 pm  
Blogger tournesol said...

I'm in whinge mode. Sorry.

Thanks Jean & Lorianne. The hug exists now both here and there.

Dale - I think naming the emotion doesn't necessarily prevent indulgence in it but I suppose it's a step in the right direction. And, as a certain wise old fart of my acquaintance told me, it's unreasonable to expect reasonable behaviour.

4:55 pm  
Blogger Dave said...

I've known people who choose to stay in loveless marriages, and though I don't judge them, I do kind of wonder about their priorities.

Stay strong.

1:00 am  

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